A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime

The shared reality, or mind (or world) that is created in relationship with another person is mutually arrived at, dynamically changing (perhaps a sign of a healthy relationship), and is constantly being (re)created by the mutual understanding of who and what each person is together.

Of course, if one or both are “in fear” and not showing up entirely as they are … or if one or the other begins disapproving, passing judgment or boxing the partner in some way… than the world created between each is essentially inauthentic and lacking in love. Love, I believe, means a total acceptance of the other exactly as they are (and are not).

Total acceptance is NOT an easy task for either individual … and certainly a daily challenge as a human being walking around interacting on planet Earth … and all the more difficult when love, intimacy, vulnerability, and our hearts are on the line.

What about the idea of having one Mr./Ms. Right? Is there only one person, our better half, soul mate, “true love,” for us, somewhere, out there?

I believe there are many Mr. & Ms. Rights. Between the two people, there definitely needs to be that special spark, attraction, “gel”, love, connection, desire, whatever term fits best. So even a seemingly perfect match, without the “heat” will be a no-go. And sometimes the timing is not right. Karma is operating. Whatever…

What about Soul Mates? I believe, soul mates are perhaps a particularly attractive match that has had many opportunities (lifetimes of a variety of different relationship contexts, husband/wife, brother/sister, enemies, friends, what have you) to be in relationship together.

And sometimes, is just … Mr/Ms Right Now.

Regardless, what comes to mind on this topic of relationship is a wonderful quotation that I will offer at length, and I think is fitting whether you are in love or friendship:

A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime?

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life…..

Copyright 2000 – Brian A. “Drew” Chalker

Breaking up is Hard to Do

Recently a friend wrote me sharing about the difficulty he was having during a break-up. I responded with the note below and I felt it valuable enough to post for all. May it serve you:

“I know how difficult a break-up can be, not to say I have any clue how difficult it may be feeling for you right now. I just remember my own upsets and remember clearly the feeling of wanting a person back, even when at the time of break-up, the voices (and feelings?) were a clear no-go for continuing the relationship.

It is often true about the old adage, hindsight is 20-20, can creep in during a breakup. Suddenly the problems, shadows, feelings, words, and incompatibilities are dimmed or forgotten; and the pain and loss of touch speak louder than the past.

Recently I read, in The Tipping Point, a point that Malcolm Gladwell made that between a couple (in my opinion, especially between a pair who have lived together), a “shared mind” is created. This is a mutually created understanding of the world, where each partner holds different facets of the shared reality. The strengths and foibles of each partner latches onto parts of the sharing; and thus becomes master of that/those domain(s).

When a breakup occurs, the shared reality is shattered. Parts of our experience are no longer held by the partner, forcing us to shine the light of conscious back into areas of ourselves that were formerly held by the partner. This isn’t fun. It is a deep stress to the body-mind politic. That which we entrusted to another is no longer handled. The points of security (watch-towers they built in the relationship) are no longer occupied. We are open to attack, vulnerable, and in my experience, questioning of our “Selves”.

This is perhaps the hardest part: piecing back together all the parts that were lost (and voluntarily) given away during the construction of a shared relationship. It’s a bit like amnesia. You’re waking up my friend. Parts of your experience have been deeply asleep…

And it may well be that this breakup was “forced” by those parts of yourself that were given away/suppressed for the benefit of the relationship. Be vigilant with your thoughts, feelings, desires, and visions. These are the parts of yourself waking up. This is the gold you have an opportunity to profit from with this change.”

What does it really take to have a lasting, vibrant, and loving relationship?

Relationship doesn’t just happen. There’s an idea that once the commitment is made or your partner is found, than all is well. All flows from there. Suddenly years have past and you look back and say to
yourself: “It just happened! (How magical!)” This is more of a happily ever after idea.

The truth is that meeting your partner and deciding to make a commitment is only the first leg of the journey … that’s when the real adventure begins.

As you grow in relationship, old shells of how you’ve operated before crumble away. If you are truly going deep in relationship, it eventually becomes a serious blow to your ego. As “two become one”
each of you has to confront in yourselves exactly where you get stopped in being fully present to and loving with your partner.

To support you in remaining connected with your partner it is helpful to understand the differences in how each of you may approach life. Each of you has a core that is more feminine or masculine. To
one whose core is more feminine, life is the very essence of being and that being flows with each moment. The ups are high as the breath of life exhales radiance, color, warmth and beauty in the elements of nature: waves crashing, flowers blooming, the warm sunset on the horizon. And the lows are low as full emotional
expression of varying flavors arises unpredictably like the weather.

For the masculine, the essence of life is the deep independent expression of their true force into the world. That expression can be taking a stand for what they want, deciding to live their life purpose, or simply calling their partner into the present moment with a touch, a kiss, and an embrace. The feminine and masculine express themselves differently and find their true essence met and appreciated in very different ways. Each gets fulfilled in different ways and to each being this need is the deepest and most intricate
expression of who they really are in the world. The trouble is, oftentimes the partner expressing the opposite essence, has no clue how to deal with and include their mirror.

Jen and I have found that the most recent events in our life have put pressure upon our relationship. Our independent ways of being in the world are being put to the test and where they are weak and unable to support our relationship, the “cracks” have been showing up. One of the major communications in relationship is finances. Who earns what, how to cover expenses, who contributes what amount, and how to meet each partners needs for food, shelter, fun, and life. Feminine and masculine expressions of energy approach the conversation of money from different perspectives.

For Jen, her masculine energy has been out of balance and she has been the one trying to do, make calls, write emails, and wield her masculine power to make things happen. I, on the other hand, have cultivated a feminine energy of trust, relying on the Earth to provide, and breathing to create clients and money. Each of us has been missing the fact that we are approaching the question of money and business from the opposite of our divine gifts. Because Jen was not coming from her natural feminine core, she has felt exhausted and her body has been calling to her with pain and discomfort. I have been feeling lost, without direction, scared, and unwilling to pick a path and stick to it. Together, we lost our spark, our attraction, and have been missing the passion we so deeply want with one each other.

Needless to say, this has placed tremendous pressure on our relationship. Not only with regard to money, but with our ability to be truly in love and present with each other as the “shit hits the fan!”

AND we still remain focused on and committed to love! We look to each other to challenge our habits, to love us into our natural expressions of being, and to keep returning to our hearts and the spark between us. It is NOT always easy. And the tools we practice together are cultivated and honed under the fires of challenge, discomfort, and love.

We are the walking expression of our work. We offer ourselves to your relationship as humble guides and loving partners. We know how challenging it can be to feel love when the trials and tribulations are placing your love under duress. Come share your experiences and hone your skills in relationship with us. Consider checking out our last Happily Ever Now workshop.

May your relationship be a source of fulfillment, growth, and enlightenment!

Masculine versus Feminine: Different approaches to Money

Recently I wrote a piece marketing an upcoming workshop I am offering with my partner, Jen Aly, called Happily Ever Now: The Adventure of Conscious Relationship for new couples and singles ready for a committed relationship. As it goes when offering training in the very material that we live by, our own relationship has come under the fire of a lot of growth. In particular, Jen and I have been confronted by our own life experience dealing with the ups and downs (and mostly downs of late) of financial prosperity.

Fueled by a fabulous workshop we attended under the juicy name Sex, Passion, and Enlightenment, I have had a whole new understanding of the difference between the sexes. And yes, not only are there blaring biological differences, but also differences in perception, thinking, approach to life, and so much more. And especially with regard to the conversation of MONEY!

Here are some of my thoughts:

The feminine approaches money from what is needed now. Cupboards almost empty, lets get groceries now. I’m almost out of makeup, time to visit the store. The wedding is next week, I don’t have anything to wear, I want to purchase a new gown for that event. Keep in mind, that when the money is not immediately available to address a need, if the feminine is divinely aligned she will “dance” her the money into existence, calling on the natural forces of the Earth with which she is naturally and bodily aligned. If she is not “resting” in her natural power to call the energy of the Earth plane to her will, than she will feel unsupported and scared, like the ground is falling away from her feet, causing her to “freak out.” Tears, moaning, and uncontrolled shaking scares the hell out of her masculine counterpart because he approaches money from a different perspective.

The masculine trusts that from his point of view, money and finances are a linear, one-to-one relationship. Going to work and putting in 8 hours on the job, leads directly to 8 hours worth of pay. If there is no money in the bank account, the masculine essence will look for ways to address that need by listing clients to call, objects to sell, and other brothers to mobilize into action to address the lack. He needs direction, action, and the world to meet this directive expression of his power. A man, unaligned with his masculine, will rest and wait for the money to appear, “hoping for the best” and isolating himself from the world until “the coast is clear.”

These differing approaches will place pressure on each partner to show up in the relationship to the best of their ability. For Jen, her masculine essence has been out of balance and she has been the one trying to do, make calls, write emails, and wield her masculine power to make things happen. I, on the other hand, have cultivated a feminine essence of trust, relying on the Earth to provide, and breathing to create clients and money. Each of us has been missing the fact that we are approaching the question of money and business from the opposite of our divine gifts. Because Jen was not coming from her natural feminine core, she has felt exhausted and her body has been calling to her with pain and discomfort. I have been feeling lost, without direction, scared, and unwilling to pick a path and stick to it. Together, we lost our spark, our attraction, and have been missing the passion we so deeply want with one each other.

Needless to say this has placed tremendous pressure on our relationship. Not only with regard to money, but with our ability to be truly in love and present with each other as the “shit hits the fan!”

AND we still remain focused on love! We look to each other to challenge our habits, to move us into our natural expressions of being, and to keep returning to our hearts and the spark between us. It is NOT always easy. And the tools we practice together are cultivated and honed under the fires of challenge, discomfort, and love.

Being in relationship … who new it was a path to enlightenment?