Exploring full self-expression through the ZEGG Forum

I attended an interesting experiment in community living, personal growth, and full self-expression last night. Calling itself the ZEGG Forum, this is a group of advocates for a completely transparent community. Weekly, they participate in a performance ritual that allows each person to express themselves authentically and in a safe space.

I was quite taken by the real, palpable, and honest full self-expression and safety of the group. I noticed that witnessing each person’s genuine presentation of their individual situation was at once extraordinary and frightening. The feeling of true and real expression was life affirming and beautiful to behold. While, knowing in this space there was no place for me to hide. Any inauthentic way of being or subtle separation I build was easily seen through. That for me was truly uncomfortable. My one true desire is to be witnessed for all that I am; light and dark. And to know there is a place available for that is absolutely unnerving for my ego.

I highly recommend going to an Open ZEGG Forum and witnessing the process and experiencing how you feel and are in that environment. You may be uncomfortable or even fearful … but I invite you to look past your initial reaction. I found that the reason I felt this way is because I am so used to hiding certain parts of myself. This allows me to feel safe in the world as I go about my every day. Here, though, those masks and veils fall away and real human being is laid bare. It is exhilarating to feel so alive, even in the face of my own ego fears.

Here on the island of Maui, there are regular meeting locations in Makawao, Kihei, and Kula. To see if there is an “Open Forum” opportunity near you on Maui, contact the New Culture Center and ask how you can learn more about the ZEGG community on Maui.

ZEGG is not just the Forum, but also an experiment in community living

Here is a presentation on how ZEGG Communities are organized in an attempt to answer the questions:

• How is living together possible without fear and violence?
• How does life unfold itself when cooperation replaces competition and key questions of humankind for contact and trust become the central focus?

Find out more at the international ZEGG website. I find their principles inspiring:

• Consciousness in love
• Responsibility for the Earth

See also Global EcoVillage Network to learn more about alternative communities seeking to establish “concrete utopias” which provide alternatives to the consumption oriented culture and strategies for communication and reconciliation.

A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime

The shared reality, or mind (or world) that is created in relationship with another person is mutually arrived at, dynamically changing (perhaps a sign of a healthy relationship), and is constantly being (re)created by the mutual understanding of who and what each person is together.

Of course, if one or both are “in fear” and not showing up entirely as they are … or if one or the other begins disapproving, passing judgment or boxing the partner in some way… than the world created between each is essentially inauthentic and lacking in love. Love, I believe, means a total acceptance of the other exactly as they are (and are not).

Total acceptance is NOT an easy task for either individual … and certainly a daily challenge as a human being walking around interacting on planet Earth … and all the more difficult when love, intimacy, vulnerability, and our hearts are on the line.

What about the idea of having one Mr./Ms. Right? Is there only one person, our better half, soul mate, “true love,” for us, somewhere, out there?

I believe there are many Mr. & Ms. Rights. Between the two people, there definitely needs to be that special spark, attraction, “gel”, love, connection, desire, whatever term fits best. So even a seemingly perfect match, without the “heat” will be a no-go. And sometimes the timing is not right. Karma is operating. Whatever…

What about Soul Mates? I believe, soul mates are perhaps a particularly attractive match that has had many opportunities (lifetimes of a variety of different relationship contexts, husband/wife, brother/sister, enemies, friends, what have you) to be in relationship together.

And sometimes, is just … Mr/Ms Right Now.

Regardless, what comes to mind on this topic of relationship is a wonderful quotation that I will offer at length, and I think is fitting whether you are in love or friendship:

A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime?

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life…..

Copyright 2000 – Brian A. “Drew” Chalker

Breaking up is Hard to Do

Recently a friend wrote me sharing about the difficulty he was having during a break-up. I responded with the note below and I felt it valuable enough to post for all. May it serve you:

“I know how difficult a break-up can be, not to say I have any clue how difficult it may be feeling for you right now. I just remember my own upsets and remember clearly the feeling of wanting a person back, even when at the time of break-up, the voices (and feelings?) were a clear no-go for continuing the relationship.

It is often true about the old adage, hindsight is 20-20, can creep in during a breakup. Suddenly the problems, shadows, feelings, words, and incompatibilities are dimmed or forgotten; and the pain and loss of touch speak louder than the past.

Recently I read, in The Tipping Point, a point that Malcolm Gladwell made that between a couple (in my opinion, especially between a pair who have lived together), a “shared mind” is created. This is a mutually created understanding of the world, where each partner holds different facets of the shared reality. The strengths and foibles of each partner latches onto parts of the sharing; and thus becomes master of that/those domain(s).

When a breakup occurs, the shared reality is shattered. Parts of our experience are no longer held by the partner, forcing us to shine the light of conscious back into areas of ourselves that were formerly held by the partner. This isn’t fun. It is a deep stress to the body-mind politic. That which we entrusted to another is no longer handled. The points of security (watch-towers they built in the relationship) are no longer occupied. We are open to attack, vulnerable, and in my experience, questioning of our “Selves”.

This is perhaps the hardest part: piecing back together all the parts that were lost (and voluntarily) given away during the construction of a shared relationship. It’s a bit like amnesia. You’re waking up my friend. Parts of your experience have been deeply asleep…

And it may well be that this breakup was “forced” by those parts of yourself that were given away/suppressed for the benefit of the relationship. Be vigilant with your thoughts, feelings, desires, and visions. These are the parts of yourself waking up. This is the gold you have an opportunity to profit from with this change.”

Touch is the best medicine for relieving pain

An article in Prevention highlights that when we are rejected by other human beings, our brain registers it the same way as physical pain. An experiment conducted at UCLA tracked that when players were rejected by other unseen players during a computer game, their Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) lit up just as if they were physically injured.

The takeaway is that our brain does not know the difference between social and physical pain, in that either experience is potentially harmful to the organism and thus is actively avoided. In the past, when our human society was much more in need of each other to protect ourselves from the elements and other predators, it meant death to be rejected and ostracized from our community. Today that old wiring remains and gets set-off when we receive a social snub from another.

In my experience of working with clients, a physical injury can lead to long term problems, like limping, joint pain, splinting, and avoiding or limiting use. Similarly, emotional pain, whether experienced from their family, schoolmates, work, or other social situations, is remembered as painful and cause long-term effects and patterns. These individuals have learned that others are not safe to be around because they may cause them pain. This emotional pain pattern creates fear and expectations that have a dramatic impact on their ability to live freely and thrive.

It is extraordinary to think that both ends of the spectrum can make life unbearable for human beings: living without people or living WITH people! But it remains true that if emotional pain patterns of rejection, judgment, low self-esteem, and other negative ways of being get established early on, than the individual is left to suffer with the belief that people are not to be trusted. You can imagine how that affects their ability to feel love, safety and freedom in partnerships, family, work, and more.

Bodywork has the extraordinary capability of diffusing these patterns while affirming an individual’s sense of well-being and personal safety. In receiving consistent, therapeutic, and supportive touch, a direct communication is received by the deepest layers of subconscious, that humans CAN be trusted and that the client is worthy of feeling good and being accepted. It is a joy to work with individuals who are initially hesitant or even fearful of deeper intimacy and connection, who over time and consistent effort, find they open up “in spite” of themselves. Touch has an ability to circumvent the beliefs of the mind and interrupt thinking patterns that might otherwise try to avoid social contact and vulnerability with others. Touch speaks louder than any words as its impact and energy can be immediately felt and embodied.

Remember too, that as an infant, we are completely dependent on our mother to provide loving nurturing touch and connection. It is a deep human need to be loved, accepted, and encouraged by touch. In fact, studies of infants not regularly touched (say at orphanages) show that these children have delays in neurological function and sociability.

Consider the implications of the article biochemically (this is where the science comes in): touch releases endorphins to assist with relieving pain (it is exactly why we rub injured areas). Additionally, nerve impulses that send “good” feelings are mylentated and thus “out-run” the impulses that carry pain signals. In my experience of working with people of all ages and backgrounds, bodywork’s ability to leave everyone feeling good, safe, stable, and “grounded” in their body and over time in relationship to others is very effective, regardless of whether the pain is physical or emotional.

What does it really take to have a lasting, vibrant, and loving relationship?

Relationship doesn’t just happen. There’s an idea that once the commitment is made or your partner is found, than all is well. All flows from there. Suddenly years have past and you look back and say to
yourself: “It just happened! (How magical!)” This is more of a happily ever after idea.

The truth is that meeting your partner and deciding to make a commitment is only the first leg of the journey … that’s when the real adventure begins.

As you grow in relationship, old shells of how you’ve operated before crumble away. If you are truly going deep in relationship, it eventually becomes a serious blow to your ego. As “two become one”
each of you has to confront in yourselves exactly where you get stopped in being fully present to and loving with your partner.

To support you in remaining connected with your partner it is helpful to understand the differences in how each of you may approach life. Each of you has a core that is more feminine or masculine. To
one whose core is more feminine, life is the very essence of being and that being flows with each moment. The ups are high as the breath of life exhales radiance, color, warmth and beauty in the elements of nature: waves crashing, flowers blooming, the warm sunset on the horizon. And the lows are low as full emotional
expression of varying flavors arises unpredictably like the weather.

For the masculine, the essence of life is the deep independent expression of their true force into the world. That expression can be taking a stand for what they want, deciding to live their life purpose, or simply calling their partner into the present moment with a touch, a kiss, and an embrace. The feminine and masculine express themselves differently and find their true essence met and appreciated in very different ways. Each gets fulfilled in different ways and to each being this need is the deepest and most intricate
expression of who they really are in the world. The trouble is, oftentimes the partner expressing the opposite essence, has no clue how to deal with and include their mirror.

Jen and I have found that the most recent events in our life have put pressure upon our relationship. Our independent ways of being in the world are being put to the test and where they are weak and unable to support our relationship, the “cracks” have been showing up. One of the major communications in relationship is finances. Who earns what, how to cover expenses, who contributes what amount, and how to meet each partners needs for food, shelter, fun, and life. Feminine and masculine expressions of energy approach the conversation of money from different perspectives.

For Jen, her masculine energy has been out of balance and she has been the one trying to do, make calls, write emails, and wield her masculine power to make things happen. I, on the other hand, have cultivated a feminine energy of trust, relying on the Earth to provide, and breathing to create clients and money. Each of us has been missing the fact that we are approaching the question of money and business from the opposite of our divine gifts. Because Jen was not coming from her natural feminine core, she has felt exhausted and her body has been calling to her with pain and discomfort. I have been feeling lost, without direction, scared, and unwilling to pick a path and stick to it. Together, we lost our spark, our attraction, and have been missing the passion we so deeply want with one each other.

Needless to say, this has placed tremendous pressure on our relationship. Not only with regard to money, but with our ability to be truly in love and present with each other as the “shit hits the fan!”

AND we still remain focused on and committed to love! We look to each other to challenge our habits, to love us into our natural expressions of being, and to keep returning to our hearts and the spark between us. It is NOT always easy. And the tools we practice together are cultivated and honed under the fires of challenge, discomfort, and love.

We are the walking expression of our work. We offer ourselves to your relationship as humble guides and loving partners. We know how challenging it can be to feel love when the trials and tribulations are placing your love under duress. Come share your experiences and hone your skills in relationship with us. Consider checking out our last Happily Ever Now workshop.

May your relationship be a source of fulfillment, growth, and enlightenment!

Hawaiian Healing Practice Honors the God in You

A couple years ago I was introduced to a fascinating individual, Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. I received a handout that stated he was able to cure an entire ward of criminally insane patients, WITHOUT ever seeing them! He accomplished this remarkable feat by applying the concept of “Total Responsibility.”

The course I was taking at the time was delivered at a bodywork school during our holistic health practitioner training program in 2004. The notion of taking total responsibility for my life at that time was simply inconceivable (and even today brings up resistance). I wanted to blame my parents, my friends, strangers, the United States, the world, and anything else that I could to take the pressure and the attention off me. Through this program I learned to enhance my ability to help my clients by moving beyond simple massage therapy and adding coaching support. Suddenly now, I was not just “fixing” my client’s bodies, I was actually helping them to better understand themselves. Of course, as I stepped into asking my clients to take responsibility for their health and well-being, I was confronted by the areas I was not doing the same.

Here’s a quote from the book, Zero Limits, that describes what “total responsibility” means:

“The purpose of life is to be restored back to Love, moment to moment. To fulfill this purpose, the individual must acknowledge that he is 100 percent responsible for creating his life the way it is. He must come to see that it is his thoughts that create his life the way it is moment to moment. The problems are not people, places, and situations but rather the thoughts of them. He must come to appreciate that there is no such thing as ‘out there’” (137).

At first blush this is tremendously challenging to swallow. This concept had my mind/ego go a bit nutty. My mind chatter blared: “You mean I’m responsible for the car accident that the insurance company said wasn’t my fault? My girlfriend’s PMS, taxes, my client canceling their appointment, and the refridgerator breaking … Cat poop on the carpet AND my sister hating her husband … AND the wind blowing, sun shining, sky falling… AND, AND, AND!!!!!”

To put this into perspective, ask yourself this question: Who else is there experiencing, living, and being in all areas of my life?

The answer, of course, is: only ME! The challenge is to accept all of my life, the problems and the blessings, as my responsibility, simply because I am the one constant in all of it. Thankfully, Dr Lew does not leave us hanging there with nothing to do when things are not going our way, accept to grin and bear it (although I will say smiling does help).

To take this concept a bit further down the rabbit hole, I will quote Zero Limits again:

“The only sure way [to transform yourself so the rest of the world changes too] is with ‘I love you.’ That’s the code that unlocks the healing. But you use it on you, not on others. Their problem is your problem, remember, so working on them won’t help you. They don’t need healing; you do. You have to heal yourself. You are the source of all the experiences” (47).

You may want to reread the above quote several times.

I ask you: What if by accepting responsibility for every thing and every person who comes into your life you are at the threshold of completely changing how your life appears? What if in the process of owning all of your life, you actually step into the power position and begin to create your life? What would you create from that perspective? How would you change your life, right now, knowing, trusting, and loving your own power?

I have learned the lynch-pin of the magic is to love myself more for how my life is. It is a way of honoring my creative ability; in the same way religions honor their unique god’s creation of the world. In taking full responsibility, the sorcerer’s hat falls upon my head and I become divinely gifted and all my creations (whether my mind judges them as good or bad) are beautiful and perfect as they are.

By taking the position of loving yourself and all that you manifest, you are placed firmly in the driver’s seat and the world is your oyster. Test drive this concept for yourself and see how your world changes.

I highly recommend reading Zero Limits to help expand upon and clarify these concepts. I will return with another post about the next set of tools that Ho’oponopono provides to forgive and accept the results and situations in your life that were (or continue to be) not to your liking.

Masculine versus Feminine: Different approaches to Money

Recently I wrote a piece marketing an upcoming workshop I am offering with my partner, Jen Aly, called Happily Ever Now: The Adventure of Conscious Relationship for new couples and singles ready for a committed relationship. As it goes when offering training in the very material that we live by, our own relationship has come under the fire of a lot of growth. In particular, Jen and I have been confronted by our own life experience dealing with the ups and downs (and mostly downs of late) of financial prosperity.

Fueled by a fabulous workshop we attended under the juicy name Sex, Passion, and Enlightenment, I have had a whole new understanding of the difference between the sexes. And yes, not only are there blaring biological differences, but also differences in perception, thinking, approach to life, and so much more. And especially with regard to the conversation of MONEY!

Here are some of my thoughts:

The feminine approaches money from what is needed now. Cupboards almost empty, lets get groceries now. I’m almost out of makeup, time to visit the store. The wedding is next week, I don’t have anything to wear, I want to purchase a new gown for that event. Keep in mind, that when the money is not immediately available to address a need, if the feminine is divinely aligned she will “dance” her the money into existence, calling on the natural forces of the Earth with which she is naturally and bodily aligned. If she is not “resting” in her natural power to call the energy of the Earth plane to her will, than she will feel unsupported and scared, like the ground is falling away from her feet, causing her to “freak out.” Tears, moaning, and uncontrolled shaking scares the hell out of her masculine counterpart because he approaches money from a different perspective.

The masculine trusts that from his point of view, money and finances are a linear, one-to-one relationship. Going to work and putting in 8 hours on the job, leads directly to 8 hours worth of pay. If there is no money in the bank account, the masculine essence will look for ways to address that need by listing clients to call, objects to sell, and other brothers to mobilize into action to address the lack. He needs direction, action, and the world to meet this directive expression of his power. A man, unaligned with his masculine, will rest and wait for the money to appear, “hoping for the best” and isolating himself from the world until “the coast is clear.”

These differing approaches will place pressure on each partner to show up in the relationship to the best of their ability. For Jen, her masculine essence has been out of balance and she has been the one trying to do, make calls, write emails, and wield her masculine power to make things happen. I, on the other hand, have cultivated a feminine essence of trust, relying on the Earth to provide, and breathing to create clients and money. Each of us has been missing the fact that we are approaching the question of money and business from the opposite of our divine gifts. Because Jen was not coming from her natural feminine core, she has felt exhausted and her body has been calling to her with pain and discomfort. I have been feeling lost, without direction, scared, and unwilling to pick a path and stick to it. Together, we lost our spark, our attraction, and have been missing the passion we so deeply want with one each other.

Needless to say this has placed tremendous pressure on our relationship. Not only with regard to money, but with our ability to be truly in love and present with each other as the “shit hits the fan!”

AND we still remain focused on love! We look to each other to challenge our habits, to move us into our natural expressions of being, and to keep returning to our hearts and the spark between us. It is NOT always easy. And the tools we practice together are cultivated and honed under the fires of challenge, discomfort, and love.

Being in relationship … who new it was a path to enlightenment?