Breaking up is Hard to Do

Recently a friend wrote me sharing about the difficulty he was having during a break-up. I responded with the note below and I felt it valuable enough to post for all. May it serve you:

“I know how difficult a break-up can be, not to say I have any clue how difficult it may be feeling for you right now. I just remember my own upsets and remember clearly the feeling of wanting a person back, even when at the time of break-up, the voices (and feelings?) were a clear no-go for continuing the relationship.

It is often true about the old adage, hindsight is 20-20, can creep in during a breakup. Suddenly the problems, shadows, feelings, words, and incompatibilities are dimmed or forgotten; and the pain and loss of touch speak louder than the past.

Recently I read, in The Tipping Point, a point that Malcolm Gladwell made that between a couple (in my opinion, especially between a pair who have lived together), a “shared mind” is created. This is a mutually created understanding of the world, where each partner holds different facets of the shared reality. The strengths and foibles of each partner latches onto parts of the sharing; and thus becomes master of that/those domain(s).

When a breakup occurs, the shared reality is shattered. Parts of our experience are no longer held by the partner, forcing us to shine the light of conscious back into areas of ourselves that were formerly held by the partner. This isn’t fun. It is a deep stress to the body-mind politic. That which we entrusted to another is no longer handled. The points of security (watch-towers they built in the relationship) are no longer occupied. We are open to attack, vulnerable, and in my experience, questioning of our “Selves”.

This is perhaps the hardest part: piecing back together all the parts that were lost (and voluntarily) given away during the construction of a shared relationship. It’s a bit like amnesia. You’re waking up my friend. Parts of your experience have been deeply asleep…

And it may well be that this breakup was “forced” by those parts of yourself that were given away/suppressed for the benefit of the relationship. Be vigilant with your thoughts, feelings, desires, and visions. These are the parts of yourself waking up. This is the gold you have an opportunity to profit from with this change.”

Touch is the best medicine for relieving pain

An article in Prevention highlights that when we are rejected by other human beings, our brain registers it the same way as physical pain. An experiment conducted at UCLA tracked that when players were rejected by other unseen players during a computer game, their Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) lit up just as if they were physically injured.

The takeaway is that our brain does not know the difference between social and physical pain, in that either experience is potentially harmful to the organism and thus is actively avoided. In the past, when our human society was much more in need of each other to protect ourselves from the elements and other predators, it meant death to be rejected and ostracized from our community. Today that old wiring remains and gets set-off when we receive a social snub from another.

In my experience of working with clients, a physical injury can lead to long term problems, like limping, joint pain, splinting, and avoiding or limiting use. Similarly, emotional pain, whether experienced from their family, schoolmates, work, or other social situations, is remembered as painful and cause long-term effects and patterns. These individuals have learned that others are not safe to be around because they may cause them pain. This emotional pain pattern creates fear and expectations that have a dramatic impact on their ability to live freely and thrive.

It is extraordinary to think that both ends of the spectrum can make life unbearable for human beings: living without people or living WITH people! But it remains true that if emotional pain patterns of rejection, judgment, low self-esteem, and other negative ways of being get established early on, than the individual is left to suffer with the belief that people are not to be trusted. You can imagine how that affects their ability to feel love, safety and freedom in partnerships, family, work, and more.

Bodywork has the extraordinary capability of diffusing these patterns while affirming an individual’s sense of well-being and personal safety. In receiving consistent, therapeutic, and supportive touch, a direct communication is received by the deepest layers of subconscious, that humans CAN be trusted and that the client is worthy of feeling good and being accepted. It is a joy to work with individuals who are initially hesitant or even fearful of deeper intimacy and connection, who over time and consistent effort, find they open up “in spite” of themselves. Touch has an ability to circumvent the beliefs of the mind and interrupt thinking patterns that might otherwise try to avoid social contact and vulnerability with others. Touch speaks louder than any words as its impact and energy can be immediately felt and embodied.

Remember too, that as an infant, we are completely dependent on our mother to provide loving nurturing touch and connection. It is a deep human need to be loved, accepted, and encouraged by touch. In fact, studies of infants not regularly touched (say at orphanages) show that these children have delays in neurological function and sociability.

Consider the implications of the article biochemically (this is where the science comes in): touch releases endorphins to assist with relieving pain (it is exactly why we rub injured areas). Additionally, nerve impulses that send “good” feelings are mylentated and thus “out-run” the impulses that carry pain signals. In my experience of working with people of all ages and backgrounds, bodywork’s ability to leave everyone feeling good, safe, stable, and “grounded” in their body and over time in relationship to others is very effective, regardless of whether the pain is physical or emotional.

Moms Love Their Babies, Smiling AND Crying!

I love the NY Times website, as they have fabulous articles that are released on a consistant basis covering health, wellness, and of course, current and world events. My interest rests in keeping my attention on health related updates and I plan on relaying them on to you via this blog, so keep plugged in!

NY Times reports: Having a Baby: Infant’s Smile Works on Mom’s Brain

Research points out that a mother’s brain responds to her babies’ smile by producing dopamine. This is a neurotransmitter (within brain chemical) that facilitates the maternal bond between mother and child. This facilitation occurs because Mom feels GOOD when her baby smiles. The beauty of this arrangement is that Mom gets consistent reinforcement to love and care for her child every time that little devil gives her a smile! Note that the same sort of response that occurs when a drug stimulates dopamine, endorphins, or some other brain chemical to feel good. Nature’s beauty is that by the same arrangement that allows us to get addicted to drugs, Mom is encourage to bond with her baby.

The article made another passing remark: that release of dopamine was also stimulated when her baby cries (or as this study simulated, by seeing a picture of her baby cry). Plus, this same response occurs in women regardless if the baby is hers or not. I offer that this again is a natural maternal goal of motherhood – to respond to her baby’s needs and to make sure they are well taken care of. The idea that all women would have a similar response makes sense when viewed from the perspective that any living baby becomes the responsibility of all women to make sure he/she survives.

Below the cover of our docile, “house-broken” exteriors, humans are animals at our heart. Our brains very powerfully respond to instinctual needs: finding food when hungry, needing a place to live to feel safe, and chasing after the opposite sex to fulfill our reproductive destiny. It makes sense to me that any woman will hear the biological call to support and care-for ANY infant in distress. This makes sure every human infant will find the care needed to survive. Without this brain mechanism, a woman would not have the natural urge to take care of another’s baby and in case of a women’s injury, accident or death, this could prove to be quite a problem for her baby. The implied beauty of this instinct, is that female humans (and many mammals) are naturally inclined to take care of another’s young, whether born by her or not.

I love the biological beauty of how our humanity is actually run by the amazing interplay between biology, instinct, emotion, and human thought. Science continues to find the reasons why we do the things we do, but any mother knows that taking care of a baby and witnessing their smile is simply the RIGHT thing to do! Perhaps one day science will get over itself long enough to simply (and quietly) appreciate the beautiful mystery of humanity.