Recently a friend wrote me sharing about the difficulty he was having during a break-up. I responded with the note below and I felt it valuable enough to post for all. May it serve you:

“I know how difficult a break-up can be, not to say I have any clue how difficult it may be feeling for you right now. I just remember my own upsets and remember clearly the feeling of wanting a person back, even when at the time of break-up, the voices (and feelings?) were a clear no-go for continuing the relationship.

It is often true about the old adage, hindsight is 20-20, can creep in during a breakup. Suddenly the problems, shadows, feelings, words, and incompatibilities are dimmed or forgotten; and the pain and loss of touch speak louder than the past.

Recently I read, in The Tipping Point, a point that Malcolm Gladwell made that between a couple (in my opinion, especially between a pair who have lived together), a “shared mind” is created. This is a mutually created understanding of the world, where each partner holds different facets of the shared reality. The strengths and foibles of each partner latches onto parts of the sharing; and thus becomes master of that/those domain(s).

When a breakup occurs, the shared reality is shattered. Parts of our experience are no longer held by the partner, forcing us to shine the light of conscious back into areas of ourselves that were formerly held by the partner. This isn’t fun. It is a deep stress to the body-mind politic. That which we entrusted to another is no longer handled. The points of security (watch-towers they built in the relationship) are no longer occupied. We are open to attack, vulnerable, and in my experience, questioning of our “Selves”.

This is perhaps the hardest part: piecing back together all the parts that were lost (and voluntarily) given away during the construction of a shared relationship. It’s a bit like amnesia. You’re waking up my friend. Parts of your experience have been deeply asleep…

And it may well be that this breakup was “forced” by those parts of yourself that were given away/suppressed for the benefit of the relationship. Be vigilant with your thoughts, feelings, desires, and visions. These are the parts of yourself waking up. This is the gold you have an opportunity to profit from with this change.”